How We Live
by this fish flies
Summary: [ Movie spoilers]RoyEd Ed has done all he wanted, all he tried to do. He is now trapped on the other side of the gate. Ed remembers, tried to forget, and regrets. Roy, on the other side, thinks about the past, doubts, and pain. [On Hold]
1. Regret

**Title: How We Live  
Summary: Movie spoilers Ed has done all he wanted, all he tried to do. He is now trapped on the other side of the gate. Ed remembers, tried to forget, and regrets. Possible RoyEd, ambiguous as of now.  
Pairings:RoyEd?  
Rating: K, later chapters might be higher.  
Disclaimer: Don't own, not mine.**

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Edward stared out the window of the train, watching where he had come from pull further and further away. By now, he was used to the sight of things left behind; his whole life was a series of goodbyes and waves at train stations. Sometime he was sure to go back, but even before he went back he would have to say bye to somewhere else. Moving forward, always moving forward.

Ed leaned his head against the window. The glass was cold and the rattle and clatter of the train made his teeth chatter. Ever since going through the Gate that final time, he had had thoughts of leaving. As a child he tried to forget regret and only try to solve what lay before him, but that was finally all done. His brother was back. His father was dead. The homunculi had been defeated. He had nothing to do, nothing to worry about. He could go about his life in this world; his new world. He must think of it like that. He must distance himself from Amestris. From alchemy. From-

As if the world would not even let him think the thought, the train shook and Ed's head smacked the glass. He sat back in his seat and glared at the window. Right above where his breath fogged it, there was an oval that was clear. He was sure he had a matching red mark on his forehead. His cosmic wake-up call took whatever thoughts were in his head. He turned his back to the window and looked about his compartment.

It seemed empty. It always seemed empty when Al was not with him. Now that Al _could_ be with him it was no longer the gut-wrenching empty that it once was. There was just more space than he was used to.

Sometimes even with Alphonse it seemed a bit empty. Ed's mind sometimes forgot that he had his body back and that he did not share space with a giant pile of armor. Whenever he caught himself forgetting his heart hurt a bit, even while he smiled. It was comforting to see that it was actually _real_; that he had done it. It still hurt that he ever had to go through that, that having a flesh brother would be a surprise.

The guilt should have left him. It had been long enough; time was supposed to heal these things. _All of that is over,_ he tried to convince himself. He tried to forget.

He could not. Every time he looked at his brother, it all came rushing back. He remembered everything. He went on trips so much just for that reason. He could not tell his brother. Al would then feel sad, hurt, _something._ Ed could not explain this. He loved him and wanted to be with him; it was just too much sometimes. Remembering what his brother once was; remembering how it had happened; and then, remembering Amestris.

Regretting things.

Ed was strong. How could he not be, after all that had happened to him? Strength made up his core, like the metal that was his arm. Normal things could not get to him; could not make him bend. But, this regret did. It ate at him, taking small pieces at a time. Sometimes he felt like his foundation was crumbling. Then he would leave his brother. He would go on a trip and rebuild what was cracking. When he saw Al again he would be able to smile and look him in the face. He would not remember again for a while, and it would be good.

But, on this train, the regret had him in its clammy hands. The ice outside, the bump or the wheels, the sway of the cart: it was all familiar. It was the same as so many times before. Edward closed his eyes, waiting for the morning. When the sun came out his mind would be cleared of these depressing images. He could go back to forgetting. He would stop himself from breaking. It had not happened yet: Edward would not let it happen.

The last thought he had before he finally fell asleep was of a time, in a place, with a person. Just one of those fleeting thoughts he never tried to remember. The dark eyes in his mind were sad. Those eyes showed him how far back he remembered.

Edward did not remember crying. No matter how many times he left him, no matter how many goodbyes, he had never cried. He never said he would miss him. The feeling that wrapped around his stomach before he drifted off? Regret.

The train went fast, the clicks and bumps weaving themselves into a pattern. It was otherwise silent in the woods it passed through, with only the shrill whistle to counter the falling snow.

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**I just had this image of Ed in my mind, and had to write it out. For some reason the style I used is totally different than normal. The repetition is intentional. I want to continue, perhaps with Roy's point of view. I might not, as I am a bit slow, and this was short. If people like it I may, though. Comments, criticism, all that good stuff appreciated. I live off reviews, just like most fanfic writers out there.**

**-Fish **


	2. Incomplete

**Title: How We Live  
Summary: Movie spoilers RoyEd Roy, on the other side of the Gate, thinks about the past, doubts, and pain.  
Pairings: RoyEd  
Rating: K, later chapters might be higher.  
Disclaimer: Don't own, not mine.**

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Roy Mustang stared out the window of his office, conveniently ignoring the piles of papers he had to read and sign. After being stationed in the cold snow it was a blessing to be back at Central. That he had gotten back his old station was almost a miracle. There were still things that he still could not believe. His mind just refused it.

The only way he had been able to stand his old outpost was that he knew, deep inside somewhere, that Fullmetal would be coming back. That part of his life was left incomplete, and Fullmetal never left things incomplete. Sure, he destroyed things and created disasters, but they were always _finished._ When he just disappeared some marked him as dead. He wasn't; he couldn't be.

But, when Mustang destroyed the array for the Gate, he knew that it was done. That was final. Finished. His brother had his body and he had his brother. It was what he had been searching for all that time. It was what Mustang had been trying to help him with. Their sins from the past could be forgiven; they could be happy.

Roy just sighed and turned back to his desk. He no longer held the feeling that Edward would be coming back. There was nothing to wait for: it was all done and over. Truthfully, it was something he had never expected. When he first learned of Fullmetal's plan to find the Philosopher's Stone he did not think he could do it. That he was a great alchemist, Roy knew. His plan was just so vague that it could never work; it was only 'get our bodies back with the Stone'. The thought process was one of a child. Anyone would look down on that.

But, Mustang learned to no underestimate the kid, over time. Things he thought impossible happened within minutes of being around Fullmetal. His determination could not be ignored. As he slowly traveled down the road, closer and closer to the end, Roy thought he believed that he would do it. He would right the mistake he made as a child. Roy cheered him on in his heart. Only, deep down, he still did not think it would really happen. It was one of those gut feelings; he was older than the brat, and so were the many others who traveled down the same road. They never made it so he would not.

That doubt still burned at Roy. It was a betrayal no matter how it was looked at. If Edward had known about his ambition to become Fuhrer he would have believed it possible. He would have berated and mocked Mustang, but it would be believable. Roy could almost hear him, '_For someone as manipulating as you, I'm sure you could slime your way up there, bastard_.'

It had taken Roy seeing Al 'in the flesh' before he understood Ed. He was stupid for ever not trusting that it would not happen. How many times did Ed show him that, over the years? Nothing would be left unfinished. Mustang hated himself for a while as he wasted away at his wintry post.

His office was empty, he realized. It was strange that he had not been shot at as he lazed around, but he really hadn't registered it. As he finally noticed, the quiet almost hurt his ears. He heard slight noises from outside the room, but it was silent around him. It was so quiet he heard the blood in his ears; his eyes went a bit unfocused at this.

This was the silence that only happened late at night, when one was alone at home. For him to experience it at work… Roy shook his head, trying to ignore it. But, once he had acknowledged it, he could not escape. Even making his chair squeak did nothing; that sound was just swallowed in the quiet.

Roy cleared his throat. He almost started to talk before he felt how stupid he was being. First he bothered himself with thoughts of the past, and then tried to talk to himself because he thought it was _too quiet._

_I should laugh at myself_, he thought cynically. Yet he could not. The feel was just too fresh and raw. Like how when Edward had left, for the last time. He knew he should be glad, his job was done. He would no longer have to baby-sit the brat and fix his messes. Fullmetal had accomplished what he had set out to when he first became a dog. It was like he thought before: complete.

He wasn't glad. He was burned, like the doubt or his own flames. It hurt and he didn't know why. Pain, although a part of life when you are in the military, was not something Mustang liked. Pain that had no known reason was doubly worrisome. His mind was playing tricks on him, like when it seemed like she saw phantom images with his eye. There was no reason for any of it: it still happened.

All of this was frustrating. It got in his way. Roy had ambitions; he knew what he should be doing, but he was not doing it. He was just stuck. The past sometimes replayed in his head and at those times his eye saw. He could see Fullmetal.

Fullmetal never left anything incomplete. He always did his assignments, even when he complained. He'd rant and yell and fight, but it would be done.

Then, there was Edward. Fullmetal was the military's dog, but Edward was still free. Roy knew very little of the real Ed. Even after watching him grow up, he only ever saw Fullmetal. The few glances he saw, seconds filled with emotions and unsaid words, they haunted him.

Fullmetal may never leave things incomplete, but Edward did. Even if he didn't realize it, it was true. Roy adjusted his eye patch as he heard footsteps down the hall. He quickly grabbed some of the papers and started signing. He could never let others see how he felt.

Unfinished. Incomplete. Broken.

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**Well! I actually wrote it. I really didn't think I would, but after finishing the first bit I just couldn't stop myself. I think this is the most I have written this fast. Well, fanfics, anyway. Now I just have to force myself to work on the next chapters. I have very little clue where this is going, but I know it will get even angstier before something good happens. If anything good happens. Who knows? I'm surprised I have been writing angst, as I normally don't. I'm not good at it. Wish me luck and give constructive criticism. I'm looking for a beta, if anyone wants to help.  
-Fish**


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